A few years ago, a friend of mine got really sick. None of the doctors she saw could tell her what was wrong--she was diagnosed with everything from mononucleosis to chronic fatigue. She wasn't sick or dying, she just felt like crap every single day. I distinctly remember one conversation when she said "Hell, I'd stand on my head and drink goat piss every day if someone told me it would work" (good ending though--she eventually got better)

I'm not yet to that level yet but I am worrying about just how far this will have to go. Will clomid work for me? will IUI be worth it? If that doesnt work will we go through IVF? I know its too soon to start worrying about it but I just can't help it when it seems like every resource out there, from books to dear Dr. Google seem to mention IVF when it comes to infertility. It seems like it is locked in as some ultimate destination. I don't want to go there but I also admit that I would if I had to. Heck, I too, would drink Goat Piss if necessary.

I'm really not cynical all the time, I've just had a bad couple of days. Yesterday was *the* day--the day I lost my daughter last year. My husband and I both took off work and sat around the house--we didn't know what to do--I didn't really want to go out but I didn't want to just sit at home and cry (although that did happen at a few points). Now starts the several months of torture in which every day is marked off in perfect month segments:

Sept. 26/27--the day I found out, the day I delivered.
Oct 26--my birthday
Nov. 27--my due date.
Dec. 25--Christmas.

Christmas last year was awful--we didn't really celebrate. We told all our family not to send gifts or cards but a few still managed to get through. It was hard--like noone really got just how awful it was for us. This year, I have the great benefit of it being my sister's first christmas with her first baby. did I mention she had a baby? yeah, thats the greatest part of my life the last year: my sister got pregnant just about 5 weeks after I lost my baby and she delivered last month. So my life is hell. Its months off and I'm already dreading the holidays. My parents and I still have a good relationship but I haven't spoken to my sister since she had her son. I just can't--I feel like she should have respected me a little more than to get pregnant right away (yes, she was trying) and I just don't want to be the one to fix it. What am I supposed to do: call her up and say "hi, i'm ready to hear your apology now"

I know there will be a long discussion with my family about whether or not i will visit over the holidays. Regardless of my status, my answer is no. I won't go if I'm not pregnant and I won't go if I am--I'm taking NO risks this time. No planes, no trips, nothing.

Anyway--its been a bad couple of days and I'm looking forward to all this stuff I am already dreading and worrying about. Goat piss anyone?