Icarus
In my spare time (that statement seems almost laughable these days), I've been chugging away on Icarus. The results, however, are less than exciting:
It looks a lot like it did when I first started, only now the rows are longer so its taking eons to get through each repeat. The repeats themselves have become a dilemma--according to the pattern, I only have one or two more to go but I have this much more yarn:
enough to do at least a few more repeats before I start the edging. I knew I wanted to make it larger and so I chose a yarn that I had much more of than the pattern required but now, I'm starting to realize my sanity may give out much sooner than the yarn. Columns and columns of stockinette... I don't want to have too much leftover yarn since it will be too little to really do anything with but I may enter a coma if I have to knit stockinette columns for a couple of more months (knitting is going very, very slowly on this one due to Miss S).
I do really like the shawl though and I'm sure I'll get a lot of use out of it--its just that there are so many other things I'd like to be knitting right now and I'm trying so hard to go against my nature and be a monogomous knitter. I know if I start other things, the progress on this will slow even further...
Mr. Fruity is away on business this week/weekend. I've had Miss S and the puppies all by myself now for a couple of days and I'm really starting to go a little batty. I broke down and ordered a pizza yesterday because I hadn't had time to eat all day and nearly hugged the delivery guy since he was the first being I had spoken to that actually spoke back in several days.
I also started the south beach diet about a week ago--its going ok (except for the pizza mishap). I've lost a few pounds but once Mr. Fruity gets back, we are going to start hardcore. I like the idea of the diet--whole grains, veggies, etc. We are going to mostly skip the first phase though--its a little too reliant on the low-carb idea and I'm just not a fan of it health-wise. I'd like to drop quite a bit of weight--I've put on a lot of pounds since I got pregnant the first time around. I gained about 20 pounds during the pregnancy that never really left me after then a year of somewhat depressing trying to get pregnant and another resulting pregnancy on top of it. I need to lose about 40 more pounds (i've already lost 20 from this pregnancy) to get back to where I was, then there is some more I'd like to lose--maybe 65-70 total. Having Miss S is motivation I've never had before--I really don't want her to grow up in around all that junk food.
The other thing that has been lingering around my mind for the last few days is that its once again september. I cannot believe its been two years since I lost my first daughter. I know the 27th won't be a fun day but maybe since I have Miss S, it will be a little better. Its just hard for so many reasons:
1. I miss Gwen so much but I know that if I actually had her, I wouldn't have tried for or ever had Miss S
2. now that I have Miss S, I know exactly what I missed out on (in fact, the day will be the one year anniversary of day 1 on the cycle I got pregnant with her)
3. the yearly reminder that is such a bad day should have been such a happy one--I should be celebrating my toddler's second birthday but now I'm just left being sad.
4. its only somewhat related, but I feel like I just kind of skipped a few years of my life. I went from 23, pregnant with my first child to now. Everything in between was such a blur--especially the year of trying. I went back and reread my archives not too long ago and I seriously barely remember some of it. Reaching the two year mark really reminds me just how much time has elapsed.
Its all just so unfair and comes with such a mixed bag of emotions. I wonder when it will get to the point that I don't tear up when I think about all this...obviously not today.
I also wonder if other people will remember. I kind of want them too in a way--she was my daughter and I don't want her to be forgotten but I also don't enjoy reliving this all the time so I kind of want to just ignore it and cuddle up on the couch with Miss S that day and just survive the day.
enough rambling--i need to go take the puppies out (only 25 hours until mr fruity gets home and I dont have to do this all myself--thank goodness).